


The Hard Truth and the Soft Landing

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Everything After [7]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-11
Updated: 2012-01-11
Packaged: 2017-10-29 08:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suck it up, she told her herself.  She actually demanded it.  Her daughter didn’t need to see her cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hard Truth and the Soft Landing

**Author's Note:**

> This is #7 in the Everything After series, which follows Strauss’ canon lines after Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Erin has three children on the series so they're not really original characters. We don’t know their names so I filled in the blanks myself.

“Is this book about sex?” MK held up the book.

“I'm sorry, what?” Erin stuck her head out of the kitchen.

It was Wednesday evening and her kids were there for dinner. For three hours once a week she got to be Mom. It sucked, there was no denying that. At the same time, Erin couldn’t remember devoting three straight hours to her kids when they all lived under the same roof. For the first time in a year, Mary Katherine had come with her older brother and sister. Erin was shocked but she refused to treat it differently than any other Wednesday. Tonight it was Hamburger Helper; Cheeseburger Macaroni.

“This book is called _Lady Chatterley’s Lover_. Is it about sex, Mom?”

“Oh yeah,” Ted smirked. “Its real hot stuff.”

“Edward,” his mother pointed at him. “I’d ground you if there was any way to enforce it. Leave your sister alone. MK, it’s a classic novel from the 20s.”

“So there's no sex in it?” the ten year old pressed.

“Well, it’s a book more appropriate for grownups because they understand the content and context.”

MK sighed, showing her annoyance. That sigh bothered her mother too though Erin knew damn well that it was one of the few things Mary Kate got from her for sure.

“Is there sex in it or not?”

“Yes…now please put it back.”

She seemed satisfied with the answer and did as she was told.

“I want something new to read.” MK went on, fingering all the classic and well preserved novels.

“Those might be too adult for you.” Erin replied. She was giving the Hamburger Helper one last stir. Dinner was done.

“Mrs. Kramer said I'm reading on the high school level, Mom. But they won't let me go to the adult section of the library. Why? When it says adult does it mean like porn?”

Nora burst into laughter. She was coming into the kitchen for dishes to set the table. Her mother looked at her, not sure what to make of the entire conversation. While it was surely better than MK being cruel or not speaking to her at all, Erin still didn’t know what to make of it.

“ _Mansfield Park_ is on the middle shelf sweetie.” She replied. “I think you might enjoy that book a lot. Maybe as you're reading it we can discuss it. You’re still young…there might be things you don’t understand.”

“OK.” MK grabbed the leather bound book and slipped it into her backpack.

Her OK sounded a bit noncommittal but Erin was surprised to hear it at all. She told the kids to wash up for dinner so MK went to the bathroom. Ted came to the kitchen sink, taking the peach tea from the refrigerator when he was done.

“It smells good, Mom.”

“It’s Hamburger Helper.” She countered. “I think that’s a bit pitiful.”

“I'm a 14 year old boy so I eat just about anything.”

“And anyway, it’s not about the meal.” Nora said. “It’s about the company.”

“What did I do to deserve three, such amazing kids?” Erin asked smiling as she doled healthy amounts onto their plates. MK came out of the powder room and sat next to Ted. “So, tell me how life is.”

That was their little ritual. Erin always said that and then let her kids go. It was great to hear about the books they read, adventures with friends, and everything in between. She wanted to know about school, sports, and new hobbies. Erin just wanted to be a part of their lives.

Once a week for dinner and every other weekend wasn’t ideal but it was the situation right now. After the year mark passed on her sobriety, Erin planned to petition the court for more. She also knew that Eli would use her demons against her. She was as prepared as one could get for something like that.

“Oh, I brought my NYU letter.” Nora said. She got up and grabbed it from her messenger bag. “You want to open it, Mom?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” The teenager nodded.

Erin put down her glass of iced tea and opened the envelope. Nora had already received four college letters; this was the first her mother was seeing. She scanned the words and started to smile.

“Read it out loud, Mom.” Ted said.

“That’s for your sister to decide.”

“It’s OK.”

“Alright.” Erin cleared her throat. “Dear Miss Strauss, congratulations on behalf of New York University for your acceptance into the Class of 2016. The University feels that your excellent grades, high test scores, and variety of extra-curricular activities makes you the perfect fit for our rigorous and award-winning programs.”

“Alright Nora.” Ted smiled.

“That’s awesome!” MK said.

“It is pretty awesome.” Nora couldn’t help but smile. At one time NYU had been her dream school. “NYU is very selective; some of my friends have already gotten waiting list letters. Oh my God, I can't believe I got in.”

“You said that it’s not in your Top 3 anymore.” Erin put the letter back in the envelope. “What replaced it?”

“I was really impressed with Smith when Dad and I went for the visit. It kinda fits into my Boston to DC plan for colleges. So now I’m hoping for Barnard, Sarah Lawrence, and Smith. I haven’t heard back from Barnard yet but I'm anticipating acceptance, even if it’s just because I'm a legacy. But I don’t want to hog the whole conversation.”

Erin had graduated with honors from the Manhattan women’s college. Her mother and Aunt Constance had as well. She knew there was a part of her daughter that wanted to follow in her educational footsteps. As long as Nora didn’t follow her anywhere else, Erin was OK with that.

She knew Nora was an overachiever and perfectionist. She came by those traits honestly on both sides. It was important to Erin that none of her children made the wrong turns she had. Erin just wasn’t sure how to bring it up.

“Our first home game is March 10th, Mom.” Ted said. “You're gonna be there, right?”

Ted was playing freshman lacrosse at Gonzaga College High School in DC. He was good; he’d always been good. She couldn’t remember the last time she saw him play but she knew that.

“I’ll be there with bells on. I have your schedule hanging up in my credenza. All the games I’m going to be able to make are highlighted. I’ll be cheering the loudest.”

“You're not allowed to embarrass me.” he replied.

“Then why did you bother to invite me?” Erin asked.

“Mom…” Ted tried to sound annoyed but he was excited.

He wanted his mom to see him play. Well-played freshman went on to junior varsity and then varsity. Playing a sport was a double-edged sword. It was like not having a life while still being a big man on campus. Ted saw some of his pals lapping it up and the season hadn't started yet. All he wanted to focus on was the game. You didn’t get into a Division I school by being a party animal.

“What about you, Mary Kate?” Erin asked. “Are you doing anything right now?”

“I'm just gonna read that book you let me borrow.” She replied, focusing on her dinner.

Erin smiled, telling her children a little bit about her day. Her little girl just seemed so uncomfortable and that broke her heart. But she was there. She was trying and Erin was trying as well. Candy told her she had to keep on keeping on. It was just dinner but it was a family dinner and that was a really good start.

***

It was 8:25 when Erin pulled up in front of the home that used to belong to her in Chevy Chase. She was never late with the kids because she didn’t want Eli to blow a gasket. It was just something she, and certainly her kids, didn’t need. So she obeyed the rules even while wanting to hit him in the head with a crowbar.

There were flurries falling as Erin looked out the window at her house. It wasn’t hers anymore; she heard in April it would become Christa Covington’s. Eli was remarrying. Erin didn’t think Christa was the mothering type. This was about to get interesting.

“OK guys. This is goodnight.”

It always hurt to say that but Erin managed a smile when Nora hugged her and kissed her cheek. They were sitting in the front seat together. Ted climbed out of the back of her Beamer. When Erin rolled down her window, she got a hug and kiss from her son as well.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Mom.” He said.

“OK sweetie, I love you. Love you Nora.”

“Love you Mom.”

They started making their way up the perfect brick driveway when Erin realized that MK hadn't gotten out of the car. She looked at her daughter in the rearview mirror. She hadn't even unbuckled her seatbelt.

“MK, are you OK? Sweetheart…?”

“Is the reason you didn’t spend enough time with us because you were a drunk, Mom?”

“What?”

Erin couldn’t believe she got the word out. It felt as if a mule kicked her dead in the center of her chest. She lost her breath and felt her heart breaking into a million pieces.

“Daddy said you were a drunk and a workaholic who cared more about the FBI than us. He said you had to go to rehab because you couldn’t stop drinking. He said a lot of things.”

“Your father told you that?” Erin felt like she was about to burst into tears. She was about to lose all decorum and just sob. She was so angry, so hurt; she couldn’t imagine how MK felt. _Suck it up_ , she told her herself. She actually demanded it. Her daughter didn’t need to see her cry.

“No, I heard him telling Christa one night. Mom, are you a drunk?”

“Mary Katherine please stop saying that word.” she took a deep breath. It was actually painful. “I'm an alcoholic, yes. I've been to rehab and I don’t drink anymore.”

“So that’s why you never had time for me?” she asked.

“Sweetheart, that didn’t really have anything to do with my drinking.” It wasn’t quite the truth but MK was 10. Erin wasn’t going to give her more than she could handle. And this was quite a juggernaut. Wow, how did she not see this coming?

“I was devoted to my work. I should've put you and your siblings first but I’d worked so hard for all that I accomplished in the FBI. I didn’t want to lose those accomplishments. I ended up losing you instead and that hurt more than I could ever express with words.”

“You didn’t love Daddy anymore so you left him.” MK said. “But you left me too.”

“I didn’t leave…” Erin took another deep breath. “Sweetie, when Daddy and I divorced he thought it was better if you guys stayed in the home you were raised in. That was important to me too. I didn’t want to leave but for once I had to put you guys ahead of my wants.”

“But my friend Cara lived with her mother when her parents got divorced. Her dad moved to an apartment.”

“This conversation will take a lot more than 10 minutes sweetie. It’s complicated, but you deserve to make sense of it. I want to talk about it and I see you have a ton of questions. If you want to, maybe I can take you to lunch on Saturday. We have to ask your dad and see if it’s alright with him.”

“I don't know.” MK sounded unsure.

“OK. Well, you think about it and call me. You can call me anytime. I mean that because I love you very much. It was great to see you tonight and I hope to see you again soon.”

How sad that their relationship was so formal. None of this was MK’s fault but she’d always been the little girl brushed aside. Erin and Eli didn’t intend to have more children after Ted. When MK came along her parents were more than overly formal roommates. The poor kid had never really been part of a family.

“I can come on Wednesdays sometimes.” The ten year old replied.

“Great.” Erin smiled, masking her heartache. “So if I don’t see you this weekend I’ll pick you up on Wednesday and we can talk some more before dinner.”

MK nodded, unbuckling her seatbelt. Then she opened the car door. “Goodnight, Mom. Thanks for the book.”

“Anytime; I hope you enjoy it. Goodnight.”

Erin watched her walk up the driveway. Now Eli was at the door waiting. Goddamn miserable, trifling son of a bitch. What was he saying within earshot of her children? Even loathing him like she did, Erin never had “Freudian” slips in front of the kids. He was their father…she couldn’t bash him in front of them. Apparently, this courtesy was completely one-sided. She wanted to call her lawyer right now and get them out of there.

But she wasn’t ready and Erin knew it. She knew it even if she wanted to get out of her car, stalk up that driveway, and kick Eli in his tiny nuts. Instead she just watched her daughter go inside and the front door close. Opening her glove box, Erin grabbed the emergency box of Marlboro Milds in there. This definitely constituted an emergency.

She pushed in the lighter and turned the radio off. The local oldies station was playing the 70s AM evening show but Erin didn’t want to hear anything that might make her cry. As soon as the cigarette was lit, she cracked the window and got the hell out of there. Halfway down the road, her phone rang. It was connected to the car so she knew who it was before answering.

“You must be a psychic.” She said instead of hello.

“In the early days of my profession I was often compared to one.” Dave replied.

“Please tell me you're in town.”

“I'm in town.” He said.

“Can you come over? Actually, I'm just dropping off the kids and heading back to DC and I just…”

“You never have to ramble out an excuse to me, Erin. I want to see you.”

“I need to see you.” she sighed.

“Are you alright?”

“No, but I can't talk about it right now. Crashing my car won't be in my favor right now.”

“I’ll meet you back at your place.” Dave replied. “Drive safely; I love you.”

“I love you too, David.”

She ended the phone call and puffed on her cigarette. It wouldn’t take that long to get home but Erin wasn’t driving above the speed limit. Her mind wasn’t right at the moment; she nodded to focus. She needed to not think about finding her ex in a dark alley and beating the hell out of him. Some of this was her fault too. But just because she wasn’t blameless didn’t mean she wasn’t hurting.

***

“You want to talk about it?” Dave asked, holding her close. They hadn't made it past the foyer and that was fine with him. Something was wrong. He wasn’t sure if it was a big something, medium something, or little something. But it was surely something and right now Erin held on for dear life.

“121 days.” She whispered.

“I know.”

“I've had 121 precious days of sobriety. 121, 121, 121…”

“You’ve fought like a champion and deserve to bask in the victory.” Dave replied.

“Can you stay tonight?” Erin asked.

“I'm not going anywhere if you need me. I'm gonna need some pajamas though.”

“No you won't.”

OK, that was an interesting statement. But Dave couldn’t let his libido get ahead of taking care of Erin. He just sighed and held her tighter.

“Nora got into NYU.” She said.

“That’s terrific.”

“And MK thinks I may have left my family because I'm a drunk.”

“Are you serious?” he was shocked by those words. That was saying something since Dave Rossi stopped being shocked by anything about twenty years ago. “Where would she get an idea like that?”

“She heard it from her father.” Erin replied.

She pulled away from Dave, took his hand, and started moving toward the bedroom. Usually she would relax, light a candle or two, have tea, and read before bed. Tonight she just wanted to be under her covers and away from the world. She had what she needed to get through the night. And there were another few cigarettes in the nightstand drawer if things got tough.

“I knew Eli was a son of a bitch but that’s low, Erin.” Dave sat down on the bed with her. He put his arm around her shoulder. “That’s low even for him.”

“He wasn’t talking to her. MK overheard him telling his fiancé that I'm a drunk and had to go to rehab. He told her that I was a workaholic who put drinking and working ahead of family. He's not wrong, David. Dammit, he's not wrong but now that’s what MK thinks. She thinks I love drinking more than her. How can I ever make her realize that that’s not true?”

“You have to keep being there. You have to keep having great Wednesday nights, weekend outings, and phone calls at night to check in on them. You have to be the best mom you can be under these new circumstances.”

“I'm trying.” She was whispering again. Erin wanted to cry. She wanted to cry so much but seemed to be out of tears at the moment. There was so much rage and the sadness was underneath, gasping for air. She was angry at herself, at Eli, at alcohol, at the FBI…she was angry at everything. “I have to fix this.”

“There is no quick fix. MK came over tonight; that’s a good start. She opened up to you even if it was with something that upset you. Did she reject your trying to explain?”

“No. She just…she doesn’t understand. She’s just a ten year old who wants a mother.”

“You are her mother.” Dave caressed her face. “You're a good mother and you're doing everything you can at the moment. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. There's no doubt about that. But you're making amends now.

“You’re going to be OK and so are your kids. Fuck Eli, this isn’t about him. He’s a bitter, angry, and small man. No pretty trophy girlfriend and all his money are going to change that. You have the opportunity to grow, change, evolve, and be better Erin. Make it about that. In fact, it can't be about anything else and you know it.”

“Can we just turn out the lights and crawl into bed?’ she asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Put on your favorite warm pjs.”

Erin got up from the bed and went over to the dresser. She grabbed a pair of pajamas before disappearing into the bathroom. Dave got up from the bed. He went over to the satellite radio, turning on the smooth jazz station and lowering the volume. Undressing, he put his jeans and button down shirt over a chair.

His socks went in the chair as well. Sometimes his feet could get cold in the winter; he hoped that didn’t bother her. As soon as he threw back the covers and climbed into bed, Sasha joined him. She was just like Mudgie…body heat meant everything.

When Erin came out of the bathroom, she started turning off lights. In a matter of moments, she was in bed and in his arms. As they spooned both knew they liked this feeling a little too much. Erin whispered the Serenity Prayer, grasped her St. Monica medallion, and sighed.

“I had a good night with my kids.” She said. “I want to focus on that.”

“It’s a good thing to focus on.” Dave kissed the nape of her neck.

“I have breakfast meetings in the morning. I have to be in full Strauss mode.”

“I'm sure you'll be as formidable as ever.”

After that they were quiet. They weren't asleep but listening to the soft music and the sounds of breathing. It felt so good to have Dave close. It felt good not to be alone.

“Tell me anything you want, baby. I know I can't buy your happiness but tell me what would make you happy right now.”

“A Cosmo.” Erin replied.

“OK, anything other than that.”

Erin laughed a bit, holding her smile when Dave kissed her shoulder.

“This is all I want. I've been alone for so long. I felt alone even when I was in a room full of people. I had a dirty secret that I couldn’t let anyone find out. It was so isolating.

“Now I'm not isolated anymore. Yes, people know my dirty secret. They may use it against me or try to hurt me but they can't. Holding it in was hurting me. Nothing else could do the damage that that did.

“Revealing my secret, not letting it hold me prisoner anymore, led to my freedom. It led me back to my kids, to seeing my job from a new perspective, to a good friend…it led me to you, David. I'm tired of wishing for more. What I have is enough. OK, I would be really happy with a triple ice cream sundae with caramel sauce.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Let’s get some sleep.”

“Kiss.” Dave said.

Erin smiled, turning in his arms. She kissed him softly, gently, moaning as Dave deepened the kiss. He pulled her close and knew that that was as far as he could go. But since it was a damn good kiss there was no reason to complain.

“Can I ask you something kind of corny?” Erin asked.

“Sure.”

“ _Beauty in the Beast_ is coming out in 3-D. You think we might go and see it?”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Are you sure it doesn’t sound silly?”

“No, Erin it doesn’t. That’s a beautiful movie.”

“Its Nora’s favorite but she's going to go with some friends. I took her to see it when she was four; it was her first movie…we both fell in love with it. I’d really love to see it on the big screen again.”

“Then I’ll take you.” Dave kissed her nose. Then he looked at the clock. “I don’t think I've gotten eight hours of sleep since I was in my 40s.”

“Yeah right.” Erin laughed, cuddling close. She sighed when he wrapped his arms around her. “Well prepare to break that dry spell tonight, Agent Rossi.”

“You know, when you said ‘dry spell’…” his lips trailed across her hairline. “My mind went there, I couldn’t help it really.”

“Goodnight, David.”

“Goodnight.”

He was perfectly content to just hold her close and sleep. Going to second and third base the other night had been phenomenal but Dave knew they wouldn’t be doing that often. Erin had a new set of rules in her life. He thought they were good rules; they didn’t need to be broken.

Being able to hold her, talk with her, and listen to her; those things made Dave feel good. He loved her. He loved her with all the rules, the day counting, the regrets, and the amends. He was going to love her when sobriety was a way of life just as much as he loved her during the journey to get to that point.

***


End file.
